Detachment - Florida Style

An essential truth for those of us living in the Sunshine State is that we are called "God's waiting room" for good reason. (Somehow "Sunshine State" seems a bit Charles Addams-ish when you ponder the imminent fate of our most senior residents and those of us who wander into traffic with any regularity.) Anyway, when God calls, many of us respond with such urgency that there is precious little time for carefully selecting a departure terminal. Here is where Global Mortuary steps up to offer the one-stop shopping experience of a lifetime - and beyond. Here in Largo, you can nip into AJ's Sports Bar for a quick pop, check out the grim labor market, get your nails spruced up for the trip, and pick out a nice Glock or S&W next door. As a final convenience, the funeral home/departure lounge is the next door on your left. You don't even need to move your Buick .



Pity, they misspelled "Bizarre." Here's what it looks like from ground zero. AJ's Sports Bar is at the far left.




I couldn't make this stuff up.

Newt

Billboard Rant # 1, part 2

You didn't believe last month's rant about vasectomy billboards, did you? Ha! Both of these signs are still flying a couple of miles apart in Largo. Note the subtle - I can't believe I am using the word "subtle" in this context - anyway, note the subtle changes in text and phone numbers between the new version above and the old version below, obviously designed to appeal to persons of varying tastes and persuasions. The one abiding constant, besides the obvious, is the needle and scalpel thing, and that's OK with me. What I like best is that Dr. Doug did 5,000 more nut jobs - that's 10,000 little tubes, folks - while waiting for the second billboard to go up. So he's cheap, he's fast, he has Elvis's hair (at least during the day), and he doesn't use instruments. Very cool!

See? I was right again.

Newt

Billboard Rant # 2

A clutch of billboards that I suspect you will find nowhere else in this country has has been laid along several Tampa Bay highways. They advocate, of all things, abolishing the traditional separation between church and state, a modern twist on antidisestablishmentarianism, of sorts.

I especially love one version of the billboard that quotes Thomas Jefferson saying that the American form of government owes much to the belief in God. This is hardly a revolutionary thought, either by Jefferson by those who now quote him. But quoting Jefferson in this context is like the Flat-Earth Society quoting Columbus. Good old TJ, or Thom, as he liked to be called, was no antidisestablishmentarian. Here's a quote that better captures Thom's essential belief on the subject:

Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.

Not convinced? Here's another:

The rights of conscience we never submitted, we could not submit. We are answerable for them to our God. The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg . . . . Reason and free inquiry are the only effectual agents against error.

Of course, Tampa Bay has more churches per mile of road than almost everything except garish strip joints, so one might argue that there is in place already a certain establishmentarianism.

Those of you who suspect I may have posted this rant simply so I could fairly use "antidisestablishmentarianism" in modern discourse may be onto something. You could be wrong, but I don't think so.

Newt

Billboard Rant # 1

Florida, God bless it, is a land where advertising rushes in at every turn. The billboard, in particular, sticks it in your eye. We have one down the street that reads VASECTOMY - NO NEEDLE - NO SCALPEL. Um, right. Perhaps they use a mallet. Or a tiny weed-whacker. The billboard touts a grinning genital-grabber in Elvis hair and a BIG 800-number. Would you let Elvis mess with your junk? I thought not. Besides, this is Florida, where the median age is 74. Cialis ads should abound - as they do - but vasectomies would seem a shrinking market.

Out on I-275 in Tampa is a billboard for an outfit that cleans up after murders, suicides and "undiscovered deaths." You might expect something discreet from advertisers in this delicate industry, assuming that you knew that such an industry exists, but you would be wrong. Florida does not grasp discreet. 400 square feet of gore in view of 55,000 cars an hour.

Lawyer billboards? How about one for an outfit called, www.whocanisue.com ? It's not even grammatically defensible.

Florida has a population density of about 600 people per square furlong and no zoning laws. In the inevitable scrum for every available retail dollar, advertising has grown even denser than the population. In more ways than one.

It's a crazy state. I feel at home here.