Monday, June 27, 2011

Praying About Dogs

Despite not owning a pet, I live in the "pet section" here in Sugar Creek Mobile Home Park.  Owners in this section are allowed to have dogs - little dogs, that is.  On leashes.

Now I don't mind that these little dogs pee on my mailbox post and poop on my lawn near the sidewalk.  But lately, little dogs have been leading their owners into my side yard and up to my front windows where they proceed with their doggie business.

So yesterday, I'm sitting in my lanai - yeah, that one - when an owner follows his dog up to the window next to my La-Z-Boy.  The dog poops; the owner scoops and scoots.  "God," I pray quietly, "damn them!"

To my considerable surprise, there's a peal of thunder, and a biblical Voice booms, "WHY?"  Oh, crap!  It's God.

Me (after gathering my wits):  Whaddaya mean, 'Why?'  That little dog was way up on my lawn.

God:  Little dog?  Is it cute?

Me:  I suppose, but . . .

God:  Wait, cute dogs are the Wife's department.

Me:  What?  I didn't know . . .

Mrs. God:  What's the matter, dear?

Me:  Um, it's that little dog walking away from my place.  He just . . .

Mrs. God:  Oh, isn't he cute!

Me:  Cute or not, the little darling just pooped under my front window!

Mrs. God:  Oh, We didn't know that.  I don't do poop; that's My Husband's responsibility.  Dear?

God:  What now?

Me:  That little dog just pooped on my lawn.

God:  Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?  Are We supposed to know everything?

Me:  Actually . . .

God:  Don't get smart with Me, boy.  It's not always easy to keep up.

Me:  Sorry.  But can You just send that little dog and his owner somewhere besides my lawn.  Maybe somewhere warmer?

God:  Dogs don't go there.

Me:  But owners do, right?

God (sighing):  All too often, boy, all too often.  We had to add a special wing down there.  Do you know what brimstone costs at Hell Depot?

Me:  So that settles it?

Mrs. God:  If We do that, who will take care of that cute little puppy?

Me:  Oh, I didn't know You were still there.

God (interrupting):  Do You want another puppy, Pumpkin?

Mrs. God:  Oooh!

God:   All right, that does it.  But You have to walk him, Sweetie.

Mrs. God:  Luckily, We don't live in a trailer park. 

At that point, the little dog and his owner disappeared around the corner.  I haven't see them since.



  1. How many times do I have to tell you, GET A CAT! Cats are easy, fun, and eat small dogs.

  2. I need a CAT who will eat dog OWNERS.

  3. The Seneca Park Zoo has panthers on loan for just such a thing. The one panther's name is OWNERS-BE-GONE. We call him OB for short. Where would you like him shipped?

  4. OB could become one rich pussycat around here.

  5. My three kitty girls will eat dog owners if cut into very tiny pieces. Just sayin.

    Dogs drool, cats rule!

  6. It's not the drool I mind. In fact, it's not really the dogs I mind. It's the idiot owners who wander up to my windows to fill their little plastic baggies.

  7. It's always the owners. They are generally thoughtless cretins. Now, here's a really good idea. This actually happened to me. My neighbor's dog kept digging up my flower garden. I told the owner to keep her dog out of my flowers, and on a leash like all the other dog owners. She didn't listen. So, I put fresh horse pucky in my garden, near her bedroom window. Not only did it stink, but her dog came over to dig and rolled in it. The dog smelled foul, then went inside her house and rolled on her new carpet. Needless to say, the dog never stepped foot into my flower garden again.

    Where would you like the hp shipped?

  8. I would give you the owners' addresses if you would ship fresh instead of dried HP. Say 20 lb or so.

  9. Ooooooo, so evil, I'm lovin it!

    It's true, it's the owners. Dogs (cats, horses, kids) behave the way they are taught and allowed to behave. Most of my neighbors have BIG dogs and they are just as much of a nuisance. A few years back we planted rose bushes, the real bushy type, around the perimeter of our front yard to keep the dogs and their "poop" off our lawn (poor Mr itsme would mow over one of the landmines and get splatted). Anywho, once in a while I'd see the owner let their dog go around and do their business on our lawn anyway. I always turn into a crazy woman and run out the door yelling. More often then not,days later I see the same dog and owner walking on the other side of the street. Makes me laugh.

  10. Give me friends who appreciate evil in its most noble forms.

  11. Hey, Ev, I'd be happy to send out some of the raw stuff. I'm very serious. It works great.

  12. Yeah, and the Post Office will take one sniff and arrest us both for interstate transport of poop with intent to distribute and send us to Guantanamo.

  13. There's an odorless way to ship it. Oh BTW, I hear Guantanamo is really a lovely place.

  14. I, for one, am intrigued as to Pam's endless supply of duct tape and horse shit...


  15. Ah, the Legendary Source of Horse Pucky, as it is denominated by those of more delicate sensibilities. Horse Pucky drops to the earth, in endless quantities, from the horse, of course. Upstate NY horses, to be precise. Available dried and bagged or damp and somehow deodorized.

    TB, meet Pam. Pam, TB.

    See link at right or just go to:

  16. i stopped by to catch up on old newt eye and this is what i get. the usual suspects. kind of makes me think the internet isn't all that big. it just us's.

    by the way, i'm bob from the pond, but i have to comment as anonymous or i go into some sort of death spiral of nothingness.

  17. Hi, Bob, and thanks for checking in. Yes, we are a small world of commenters, but I know there are lots of flies on the wall.

    Others, don't miss Bob's blog at Cranelegs, over there in the right margin ------>

  18. So, Ev, when is your muse going to strike again?

  19. My muse and I are on a research trip to New England. She tells me that she has lots of fertile ideas. Right now we are sitting in the breakfast room of the Comfort Inn in Harrisburg PA watching 20 people watch Regis Philbin with their mouths open. I am pretty sure some of these folks were sitting on I-81 with me last night wishing they were somewhere else.

  20. Sounds like some interesting topics for more blog posts. ;-)

  21. Not to mention the green stuff and sweet tea.