Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Last Unbillboarded Lawyer

Eye of Newt was privileged last week to land an exclusive interview with Gilbert T. Pardee, Esq., the last lawyer in Pinellas County without his own billboard.

Eye:  Mr. Pardee, thank -

Pardee:  Please - call me Gil.

EON:  OK.  Now I understand you do not have a billboard anywhere with your picture and phone number.

P:  That's correct.  Not even one of those side-of-a-building jobbies.

EON:  Why not?  I mean, every other lawyer has a whole string of billboards.

P:  I know, I know.  I guess I'm just a late bloomer.  My mother says I was not potty trained until long after all the other kids my age.

EON:  Which was . . . ?

P:  Two years ago.  But we're not here to talk about -

EON:  Right, right.  But why don't you put up a billboard now?

P:  Well, first of all, all the good spots are taken.  The bail bondsmen grabbed up all the spots near the criminal courts, and the personal injury guys got the juiciest street corners.

P:  Also, I've been trying to set myself apart from the crowd.

EON:  How about a referral service?  Can I find you through 1-800-ASK-GARY?

P:  Actually, no.  They, uh, asked me to leave.

EON:  Really?  Why?

P:  I don't have a billboard.  You see, Ask Gary makes referrals by checking out the billboards.  The billboards closest to the 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheater in Tampa get first dibs.

EON:  And . . . ?

P:  The closest spot not already advertising lawyers was in Savannah.  I'm not admitted in Georgia.

EON:  So, now what?  How are you gonna sell your soul to the devil if he doesn't know you're for sale?

P:  I have one brilliant word for you:  naming rights!

EON:  Uh -

P:  I thought of it when I saw that New York's Times Square is now Discovery Times Square.  I thought, "Man, that is so COOL!"  So I've just finished negotiating for the rights to our most precious asset.

EON:  I'm afraid to ask.

P:  You got  it:  The Gil T. Pardee 1-800-I-Object Clearwater Beach.  Signs will be appearing soon.



  1. Our most precious asset here is horse pucky. It helps grow the best tomatoes, flowers, you-name-it, you've ever seen or eaten.

    You just gave me a great idea...a 1-800-Horse Pucky billboard. The graphics will be stunning.
    Imagine thousands of cars with more than one passenger viewing the billboard while driving along the 490 West expressway going into the city of Rochester, NY every morning.

    The possibilities are endless. I'm really excited.

  2. Now that you mention it, the lawyer billboards down here have a lot in common with your product, but in a fresher, just-out-of-the-horse condition.

  3. HA! I have to tell you, I love my lawyer...he's a great guy. But those billboards...YUK! They are so tacky. It gives good lawyers a bad name.

  4. Seems like it, doesn't it. On the other hand, one of the best lawyers I knew in Connecticut used to advertise on the back cover of the phone book. Good person, too: he restores bicycles by the hundreds and hands them out to kids. Can't tell a phone book by its cover.