Eye of Newt was privileged last week to land an exclusive interview with Gilbert T. Pardee, Esq., the last lawyer in Pinellas County without his own billboard.
Eye: Mr. Pardee, thank -
Pardee: Please - call me Gil.
EON: OK. Now I understand you do not have a billboard anywhere with your picture and phone number.
P: That's correct. Not even one of those side-of-a-building jobbies.
EON: Why not? I mean, every other lawyer has a whole string of billboards.
P: I know, I know. I guess I'm just a late bloomer. My mother says I was not potty trained until long after all the other kids my age.
EON: Which was . . . ?
P: Two years ago. But we're not here to talk about -
EON: Right, right. But why don't you put up a billboard now?
P: Well, first of all, all the good spots are taken. The bail bondsmen grabbed up all the spots near the criminal courts, and the personal injury guys got the juiciest street corners.
P: Also, I've been trying to set myself apart from the crowd.
EON: How about a referral service? Can I find you through 1-800-ASK-GARY?
P: Actually, no. They, uh, asked me to leave.
EON: Really? Why?
P: I don't have a billboard. You see, Ask Gary makes referrals by checking out the billboards. The billboards closest to the 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheater in Tampa get first dibs.
EON: And . . . ?
P: The closest spot not already advertising lawyers was in Savannah. I'm not admitted in Georgia.
EON: So, now what? How are you gonna sell your soul to the devil if he doesn't know you're for sale?
P: I have one brilliant word for you: naming rights!
EON: Uh -
P: I thought of it when I saw that New York's Times Square is now Discovery Times Square. I thought, "Man, that is so COOL!" So I've just finished negotiating for the rights to our most precious asset.
EON: I'm afraid to ask.
P: You got it: The Gil T. Pardee 1-800-I-Object Clearwater Beach. Signs will be appearing soon.