Here in sunny FL, it has been 85F these past several weeks - unseasonably lovely, even for Paradise. Would someone please explain why my bride of 43 years has been swaddling herself in flannels and sweatshirts? At night, our A/C is tuned to "swelter," yet Sweet Judy, blithely indifferent, cranks her electric blanket to "fry" and, for good measure, piles on another blanket in case global cooling sets in overnight. Outvoted on all counts, I avoid fatal scalding only by kicking everything onto her side and fluffing the remaining sheet that covers me.
In related news, a mysterious puddle of glass appeared last week in the middle of glorious Clearwater Beach, which is currently in the throes of annual Spring Break. The common thread here? Well, the beach throbs to the beat of throngs of thonged and nubile coeds. It's hot out there, folks. If you take a wall of flesh, douse it liberally in Wesson Oil (SPF -50), inject it with alcohol, and lay it out in the Florida sun for a few hours, you know what is bound to happen.
Yes, Human Spontaneous Combustion. How else to explain that glass puddle in the middle of several hundred hectares of beach sand?
Really, Human Spontaneous Combustion. Stay with me here. There's this Michael Faherty guy who detonated recently in Ireland, leaving nothing but a blackened husk. And get this: there was no apparent source of ignition nearby other than an empty Guinness bottle. Experts all agree: HSC is the only reasonable explanation. You could Google it in a jiffy.
So, in the light of Human Spontaneous Combustion as a true scientific phenomenon, let's peek back in on my bedroom. Sort of. I mean, the connection should be obvious: Judy's maiden name is ... Flaherty. Get it? Faherty-Flaherty? Pretty obvious, don't you think? With her raging internal furnace, her risk of Human Spontaneous Combustion must be astronomical.
I'm going to start sleeping in the spare room. With a fire extinguisher.
Newt
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Wow 85 degrees in Clearwater. Judy is having "cold flashes" instead of the usual "hot flashes".
ReplyDeleteA puddle of glass on Clearwater Beach. Are you sure it isn't a pile of ass?
The empty Guiness bottle was a cover-up for a bottle of gasoline and someone who wanted to start St. Patrick's Day with a bang.
Faherty/Flaherty/O'Brien/or O'Donnell; there's gonna be a hot time in Clearwater on St. Patrick's Day. Keep your hose handy. I mean your extinguisher.
My extinguisher is always at hand.
DeleteRandy - thanks for the comments. I'm delighted you found this site while searching for sex on-line. Or was it the other way 'round?
ReplyDelete(The rest of you can only wish you had access to Randy's original post.)
Oh oh! What did I do? I thought I left a PG comment on the Triple Witchin' post below, after Pam's "Oh brother!" comment ...Oh brother, I'm in trouble now.
DeleteReaders can judge for themselves. The comment has now been published after the Triple Witchin' piece.
DeleteNewt, did you say your extinguisher is always AT hand or IN hand? Or Both?!
ReplyDelete... (speechless) ...
DeleteI think I figured it out. Hey Ev ol’ buddy, did you not post my earlier comment because I said let's just keep this "between us" or something to that effect? Geez, I forgot I was talking to a lawyer. You guys take everything so literally. Now the rest of “us” (your readers) think I’m a perv. Well I hereby release you from that aforementioned implied contract. Do I need to get this comment notarized or something?
ReplyDelete…Hey Bob, wait for me. The gang thinks I’m a perv! Can I just hang out at the pond until this thing blows over?
Just because you let me publish the comment (see "Triple Witchin" below) does not mean you are not a perv. Same goes for Pam. God, I love this job!
DeleteAnyone who knows me will tell you I'm definitely a perv. So now that y'all know, commence the comments.
ReplyDeleteAs for Bob and The Pond, well, just watch out for that pond water. I hear it packs a wallop.
i think the fragrant Judy may have a thyroid issue- seriously. Bloods do not necessarily show this but symptoms nevertheless.
ReplyDeleteJan Davies
Thanks for the concern, Jan. Actually, due to CKD and some other interesting departures from the norm, Judy had been poked, groped and scanned by every analytical device known to modern medicine. She gets Christmas cards from the people who build ultrasound machines. So we know altogether too much about her thyroid, parathyroids, and hyperparathyroids, unto the nth degree. She doesn't smell too bad, really, for an old girl. But she glows in the dark sometimes.
Delete