Now, I know what you're thinking: this guy gets all Chicken Little when he starts whining about the traffic in the Sunshine State. Nothing can be all that bad.
Unbelievers. Heathens, all of you. Birthers, even.
It is the triple witching hour in Pinellas County. The place is hip-deep in snowbirds. It's Spring Break, so we are inundated with swirling hordes of practically-naked coeds. (Okay, okay: that one's not so bad.) And now the Florida DOT has touched off Armageddon smack in front of my
I want you to study carefully the picture that follows. It was shot a couple weeks back. You'll see the intersection of Ulmerton Road and 101st Street North. You have to squint a little. This - just out of the picture frame to the left - is where I reside in blissful retirement. I negotiate this intersection 2, 4, sometimes 6 times a day because it lies between me and the nearest beer store. Staying home, naturally, is not an option.
In the photo, you will notice a tiny green sign located just aft of the white van there on the right. See it there? I thought not, but trust me: it's there. See it now?
Anyway, the sign bears the crushing news:
:
"Construction Scheduled for Completion Fall 2015"
Twenty. Fifteen.
And you Northerners -- all you have to crab about is global warming and a few potholes? Hah!
For the foreseeable future, I'll be holed up with a six-pack of Bud Light and fending off the swirling nubiles. See you in the Fall of 2015. In the meantime, watch for me on a milk carton coming to a supermarket near you.
Newt
Posts
So, that is you on the milk carton I just picked up from Wegmans. Glad you're okay.
ReplyDeleteMy son lives and teaches in Florida and he complains about the snowbirds and their bad driving all the time. Now y'all have construction to add to the mix.
I'll take snow any day of the week.
BTW: Itsme is a having a cookie contest. You have to submit a caption for the Gingrich-Callista picture. Best caption wins. You have a very clever, witty sense of humor. I'd love to read your caption.
I would have entered itsme's contest, but Randy hit one out of the park with the first submission. How you gonna compete with blow-up dolls?
ReplyDeleteWhat's with you guys and blow up dolls?
ReplyDeleteThey never get a headache, never need new clothes and live quietly in a closet until summoned. What's not to love?
DeleteOh brother!
ReplyDeleteNewt: I was really hoping you and Bob would add your wit to Itsme’s caption contest, but I have to admit I did have an unfair advantage. You see a couple weeks back I was Googling… actually I think I was Googling you, and I accidently found the Gingrich sex tapes on eewwtube. Well I’m not proud of this, but like a train wreck I just had to watch. I mean this was two freak-show trains colliding head on! How could you not peek between your fingers at the horror of something like that? Anyway I noticed something that I thought at first was a tattoo by a mole on Callista’s backside. But when I zoomed in I could see it clearly, and it explained everything. It wasn’t a tattoo by a mole at all. It was a label by a valve stem that read “inflate to 36psi.” That’s right our future First Lady could be an… I shudder to say the word… inflatable. And not even a regulation inflatable. She’s clearly pushing 70psi and with the added pressures of being First Lady she’d pop for sure.
ReplyDeleteLet’s just keep this between us, okay? I mean being named Newt is probably tough enough right now, so why add fuel to the fire.
Sounds pretty perv to me.....
ReplyDeleteIn my defense Newt I was just trying to Google fig Newton “Cookie” and accidently typed “Nookie” and… Oh jeez, I wish I could get this toothpaste back in the tube, so we could refocus on the intersection of Ulmerton Road and 101st Street North, and other non-pervy things like hordes of practically-naked coeds... on second thought let's just stick to the intersection mess.
ReplyDeleteRandy, I damn near fell out of my La-Z-Boy at the "cookie/nookie" line. At the end of the day, we're all pervs in the eyes of those who keep track. And - if he gets the chance - Rick Santorum WILL keep track. Be very afraid.
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