Monday, April 4, 2011

The Second Book of Judith

And a Messenger of the Lord Apria appeared at the appointed hour bearing a new huffing beast, as foretold by the Sarah the Liar.  But Judith and her faithful and long-suffering Consort did observe that the new beast bore a strong resemblance to the old vomiting beast and they raised a hue and cry to the Messenger, who thrice denied knowledge of any deceit.  But he was only the Messenger, so they did not slay him.

And verily the new huffing beast spewed waters into Judith's nose just as did the old, and the fair Judith continued to castigate her Consort and anyone else within 40 cubits, for she had not slept in peace lo these many fortnights and had become cranky and morose.

So the Consort called upon the Angel Jon the Ambiguous, to whom the Demon Sarah owed allegiance and her weekly wage, and castigated him as he had been castigated.  And the Consort, innocent of the ways of the world, was amazed to hear Jon the Ambiguous blame the Messenger.  And the Consort knew he should have slew the Messenger.

But Jon spake a new covenant, that there shall appear in thy bedroom this very night yet another huffing beast with magical powers to calm the rage in Judith's heart and part the waters in her snoot.  And the Consort was skeptical at last.  But though he scenteth the sweet vapors of bullshit once again, he relented, and - Shazam! - the new huffing beast did arrive as foretold yet again.  And the Consort taketh the opportunity to castigate the Messenger upon his wondrous return. 

But the new beast bore no common countenance with the old vomiting beasts, so he hoped that it was good. And the Consort dwelt in the house of apprehension and frustration lest the night cometh and all hope be dashed upon the jagged rocks of eternal celibacy.  And he prostrated himself in thanks before the Lord Malted Barley for the ale locked safely in his larder.

The Consort


  1. Jest not with the two-edged sword of home health care. Adopted from Thomas Fuller.


  2. Yeah, ol' Tom must have dealt with Apria.

  3. The House of itsmecissy deals with Apria too. Mr itsme has one of those some "huffing beasts" (with a humidifer) on his nightstand as well. I bought a white noise machine for myself.

  4. Actually, Judy's machine produces something close enough to white noise that it doesn't bother me at all. It's all the choking and sputtering and vaguely blasphemous exclamations in the middle of the night that are disturbing. That and the celibacy thing.

  5. Ahhhh yes, "the celibacy thing." Understood :P

  6. And thank God for the Lord Malted Barley as well.

  7. Ah, yes. Sometimes malted barley cures the celibacy thing; sometimes it merely consoles.